


A Study In Doughnuts

by luckybarton



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alien Planet, Angst, Chocolate Box Exchange 2020, Chocolate Box Treat, Coffee shop but not an AU, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Needs A Hug, Finn has PTSD (Star Wars), Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Nightmares, Poe Dameron Is A Good Boyfriend, Post-Canon, Rey has issues, Rey is a good friend, Self-Esteem Issues, Sensory Overload, Sharing a Bed, Sleep Deprivation, Space Tea Is Different On Different Planets, Space food, Suicidal Thoughts, Worldbuilding, discussion of suicide, doughnuts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:07:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22551475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luckybarton/pseuds/luckybarton
Summary: Rey hasn't left, she's just taking a break. This isn't reminiscent of anything, and the subject isn't touchy at all.Finnisn'ttaking a break, he's just visiting a good friend to catch up over doughnuts and (what shouldn't qualify as) tea.They're both fine.Definitely.
Relationships: Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Poe Dameron & Finn & Rey, Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 7
Kudos: 20
Collections: Chocolate Box - Round 5





	A Study In Doughnuts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [owenmeany](https://archiveofourown.org/users/owenmeany/gifts).



A chime rang by the glass door as Finn cautiously pushed it open. Rey had, in fact, described this cafe accurately: it was bright and cheery.  _ Effortfully _ cheery, he thought, glancing past the colorful chalk-written blackboard menu and the stacks of donuts behind glass at the counter to try to spot Rey. She had to be further inside, he guessed. At least, he was sure that she hadn’t disappeared on him. It  _ felt _ like Rey was nearby, in the same way he  _ felt _ it when something bad was about to happen. Which could, in all honesty, mean that both things were true. 

Rey was seated upstairs. A vantage point. Four walls, but large windows. Tables looked sturdy, but not bolted down. “It’s good to see you,” she said, sipping a cup of something hot. He supposed that it was a cup of whatever beverage this planet called tea. It wasn’t one he’d seen before, or at least not a preparation he recognised.

“It’s good to see you too,” Finn managed, unable to push his unease with the situation entirely out of the picture. He pulled a chair out and sat down opposite her. Rey pushed over a menu. He blinked at it.

“Are you feeling alright?” Rey asked.

“It’s been a long journey just for doughnuts,” Finn joked.

Rey snorted. “They also have tea here. So it was a journey for doughnuts and tea. Much more worth it.”

“Not the tea  _ I _ call tea,” Finn said.

“Me neither,” Rey agreed, “but they don’t make it with green milk here.”

Finn suppressed a laugh. “Are you sure that’s a positive?”

“Not really,” Rey said, looking into her cup. “Didn’t they cover this in any of your training? You know, the rule all interplanetary agreements are secretly built upon,  _ don’t insult another person’s tea.” _

Finn shuddered at the reference and kicked the toe of his shoe into the table-leg. It rattled, sending ripples through Rey’s tea-like-beverage and clattering the mug it was in. When she looked up, startled, he apologised and shifted to reading the menu. “You’re going to have to explain some of these flavours,” he said.

“I could just order the good ones,” Rey said.

“Let’s do that, and I’ll get a tea as well,” Finn said, pushing over a few coins in what he hoped was the correct converted currency. “Is that right? I’m not sure about the numerals.”

“Those aren’t even all from the same planet. I’ll just get it, and we can work it out later if you want to.” Rey pushed the coins back, leaving Finn at the table as she headed to the ground floor to pay.

Finn picked up the coins and rubbed them in his palm before shoving them back into the pocket he’d taken them from. He stared out of one of the nearby windows willing himself elsewhere until Rey returned with the food and drinks. The doughnuts were round and colorful, each glazed with a differently-hued icing.

“Do you want to know what’s what, or take a chance?” Rey asked.

Finn answered by taking a purple one and biting into it. He mumbled something complimentary through the mouthful, then taking another before he seemed actually done chewing. “This is  _ great, _ ” he enthused. “Tea isn’t tea, though.”

“It’s an infusion of dried flowers. Pretty standard.”

Finn glared in mock horror. “It’s not tea unless it’s tree bark. Or artificial bark. This is what I’ve been bashing around the galaxy doing. Finding  _ real tea.” _

“Really?” Rey looked only mildly surprised.

“No,” Finn said. “I mean, I do look when I get the chance, you know? In markets. But I’m not usually in markets.”

Of course, his travels took him to markets, sometimes, but not for idle shopping. Rey, he thought, knew better than that. In the still-jerking limbs of the fallen Empire, he still had to be on guard. Not everyone was on the side of the Rebellion. Not everyone felt  _ freed, _ especially those who had done well from the trade of weapons or the subjugation of other planets, other peoples. But it wasn’t just them. Sometimes it was the people who had believed in them, the people who had reasons beside evil for supporting it.

He’d been one of them, for a time. He was always fighting people who he’d once been. When he met them, he didn’t always know what to do.

_ “Finn,” _ Rey said, leaning over.

He snapped his eyes to focus. “Yeah?”

“Do you want to go somewhere else?”

“No, I’m good,” Finn said.

“I’ll get a takeaway box,” Rey said. “I need some air. You’re coming.”

Finn rubbed his eyes. “That’s not a Jedi mind trick, right?”

Rey grinned. “If that was a mind trick, you’d already be on your feet. Let’s go.”

It was one of those days where the temperature went from warm to cold depending on the force of the breeze. Finn was used to extremes of temperature—that  _ had _ been in his training. There had been a lot of horrors, considering, but he remembered those weeks as particularly awful. This was comparatively easy to withstand, but somehow still irritating. Just as he got used to enjoying the sun, the wind would start up again and he’d suddenly wish he’d brought more layers.

Finn had insisted on carrying a doughnut out in his hands. He wasn’t sure he’d get to have another one, otherwise. He took a bite, trying to find something to appreciate about the situation beside the weather. It was nice, in a peaceful kind of way. The city was paved in smoothed-over cobblestones, and trees grew from planters built into the pavement. It was probably early in a Spring-season, because the ones that weren’t blossoming were only barely starting to grow leaves. All in all, he thought he understood why Rey would come here.

“How’s Poe?” Rey asked.

“You know how Poe’s doing. You called him last week,” Finn said. “Hell, you called me last week. You know what’s up with both of us.”

“Well, neither of you told me that you were dating.”

Finn nearly dropped the half-eaten doughnut from his hand. “How did you know  _ that?” _

“That will remain a mystery,” Rey said. “But I honestly thought it would happen earlier. How did it actually... happen?”

_ “That will remain a mystery,” _ Finn quoted, then shoved the rest of the doughnut into his mouth. “Seriously. How?”

“You did tell  _ some  _ people you were dating, right?” Rey said. “The leak comes from one of them.”

“This is stressing me out. Give me another doughnut,” Finn said. Rey obliged. “Are you sure you didn’t just read my mind?”

“Chewie told me,” Rey said.

“Damnit,” Finn said. “I should have  _ known.” _

Rey sighed. “We had a running bet.”

Finn rubbed his face with his free hand. It was less-than-mysteriously sticky. “Who won?”

“We both won,” Rey said. “We were on the same team.”

“I’m not sure if I’m more mad that there were more people involved, or that some people were betting against us,” Finn said wryly. “So are we going anywhere, or are we just walking?”

Rey opened the doughnut box and took a doughnut for herself. “At the moment, just walking. Anywhere you want to go?”

“I want to go somewhere private,” Finn said. Somewhere he didn’t have to keep watch. “I want to catch up, but it’s difficult to do where people could listen in... you know?”

“I get it,” Rey said. “We could go to my flat. It’s not that far away by bus.”

Finn paused, thinking. “The bus sounds good.” It didn’t, really, but if the alternative was walking, he wasn’t sure he wanted to find out how far ‘not that far’ really was.

Rey’s place was within the city, above a shop that sold what mainly seemed to be keyrings and tacky shirts for tourists. Finn couldn’t read the local script, but he knew what he was looking at when he saw it. They took the stairs to get to Rey’s flat, which she unlocked and opened the door to. “Home sweet home, I suppose.”

It didn’t look that homey to Finn, but then again, it had been a long time since he’d really had one. “Was all this here when you moved in?” he said, gesturing to the furniture.

Rey nodded. “Pretty much,” she said, “I wasn’t sure how long I was going to stick around, and I haven’t got surer with time, really. It didn’t make buying furniture make much sense.”

“Why here?” Finn asked. “You have friends, or...”

“Not really,” Rey admitted. “It’s more like... the war didn’t really touch this planet. That’s why I’m here. It isn’t important to them who I am,” she said, sitting down on a drab-looking sofa. “You should sit down, too.”

Finn’s mouth went dry as he joined her on the sofa. “The war touched every planet,” he said. “It was everywhere. This planet was technically in Empire space. I looked it up first.”

“I mean it wasn’t present here. Not in the same way it was in other places. When the local news reported the fall of the Empire, it wasn’t even a headline. It was a ‘thing happened somewhere else in another place’. I’m not sure they even  _ knew _ they were on a star-map as Empire territory,” Rey said. “It’s the same way they didn’t find Master Luke. There’s just too many places to look.”

“I’m sure that your presence is helping to keep it that way,” Finn said dryly.

“Ben Solo is dead, Finn,” Rey said. “Palpatine is dead. Nobody else wanted to find me as badly as they did. Nobody’s scrounging the galaxy trying to find me, and if they are—this place  _ isn’t _ on their list.”

“A while back, you said that you’d decided—going into hiding was the wrong thing to do. That it wasn’t what Luke would have wanted. I guess I just don’t see how this is different,” Finn said.

“You’re going to say that I should be out there with you,” Rey said.

Finn closed his eyes for a moment. “You should be out there with me. Fighting.”

Rey shook her head. “I need to rest, Finn.”

“I need to rest. We all need to rest. But I’m not resting, because the galaxy isn’t saved yet.”

“The rebellion has gathered a lot more people than it had before,” Rey said. “It doesn’t have to be you. It doesn’t always have to be you.”

“I’m not so sure about that,” Finn said.

“Then why—” Rey started, then stopped herself, “never mind.”

“Just go on,” Finn said.

Rey stared at the floor. “If you’re  _ so _ sure the rebellion needs you, always there, wherever you can be—why do you always make the sacrifice play?  _ Always.” _

Finn froze, then finally managed words. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“The first time I thought about it was when Rose saved you from what was  _ definitely _ a suicide mission. And then it just kept happening, but I didn’t know what to say because you always came back fine, but...” she shook her head. “Whenever someone might have to die to save someone else, it’s always you. You always volunteer, with no hesitation.”

“I’m expendable, Rey,” Finn said, more quietly. “That’s what a stormtrooper  _ is. _ Just because I’m on the right team now doesn’t mean I’m not what I am.”

“You’re...” Rey said, trailing off.

Finn took a deep breath. “Don’t try to deny it.”

“You’re none of those things,” Rey said, “no matter what they said to you.”

“I can’t relax, Rey,” Finn said. “Even here,  _ especially _ here. The closest I get is when I’m in real danger, because at least then I know where it’s coming from.”

“Between anything, did you ever leave the battle?” Rey asked.

Finn looked her in the eye. “Not really. But someone has to do it, and it’s what they made me for.”

“Talk to Poe,” Rey said, “talk to anyone. I think they wouldn’t agree.”

“What about all those times  _ you _ walked off into something deadly?” Finn asked. “Not to be attacking, but yeah, I’m attacking you. I remember because most of those times, you left the rest of us to fend for ourselves and we got into  _ major trouble. _ So I’d appreciate it if you got off whatever tall thing you’re riding and stand on the ground with the rest of us.”

Rey looked away. “I did that because I was sure I could handle whatever I found. I was sure I would come out the other side. You’re generally sure you’ll die. It’s not the same.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, you’re the one who’s actually died,” Finn said.

“I never expected to die,” Rey reiterated.

“That’s not the same thing as... even if you went in expecting to live, did you  _ actually _ care if you died or not?”

Rey didn’t answer for an uncomfortable length of time. “I cared. I cared a lot about dying,” she said, finally. “It just didn’t seem like something that I had to even think about until it happened.”

Finn buried his face in his arms. “I’d rather you didn’t do that again, you know.”

Rey bit back a bitter laugh. “Can I say the same to you?”

“I don’t know,” Finn said, looking up, “but I want to see you again.”

“Likewise,” Rey said.

“I just don’t know if it’s going to happen,” Finn admitted.

“Then let’s try to make it happen. Talk to Poe,” Rey said, “he’s your boyfriend, anyway. You kind of need to.”

“I’ll try to,” Finn managed. “I didn’t even plan to talk about this today.”

“Well, unlike dying, it’s easier after the first time,” Rey deadpanned. “If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for, well, the people you’d die for.”

“Don’t give me another crisis,” Finn mumbled.

_ “Fine,” _ Rey said. “I won’t. I’ll stop.”

Finn, realising how much he’d curled into himself, stretched out. “I don’t know if I want to stay for my whole visit,” he said. “I might leave tomorrow.”

“I’ll take you to the spaceport,” Rey suggested, “if you want.”

“We can do that,” Finn agreed. “I’m sorry I couldn’t stay the whole time. It’s just—difficult.”

“I’ll come to you next time,” Rey said. “I mean, I might not even be on this planet anyway.”

“You could come with me  _ now,” _ Finn said.

Rey frowned. “No. I can’t.”

“Then, I guess...” Finn said, searching, “can I sleep on your sofa? I’m not feeling like walking back to my hotel.”

“Okay,” Rey said. “It’s not a  _ great _ sofa, but it does work for that.”

“I noticed,” Finn said.

“You don’t get to insult my sofa,” Rey said, smiling. “Especially not right before sleeping on it. But for the meantime, I want to eat something that’s not a doughnut. I’m going to order takeout. Do you want in?”

“Yeah, let’s do it,” Finn said. “Want to know something I really did learn in training? You can solve a lot of conflicts with food.”

The night ended with takeout boxes stacked in the trash can, some interstellar soap playing on the television, and both Rey and Finn soundly asleep on the sofa. It started again early in the morning, a night terror jolting Finn awake.

His yells woke Rey, who bolted off the sofa. “Are you okay?”

“It’s a... nightmare,” he said. “It was a nightmare. I’m fine. I don’t remember falling asleep, though.”

Rey nodded, “I can make you fall asleep if you want me to.”

“No, that’s the last thing I want,” Finn said. “I... I went into combat. Someone shot me in the head, and I had no armour. And then I was dead, and I felt being dead, and it was... I was in a void, but I was also the void. I was nothing and I  _ didn’t exist, _ but I could feel myself not existing. It was...” he left the sentence unfinished.

“Is there anything I can do?” Rey asked.

Finn took a deep breath. “I don’t know. You can sit down again, if you want to.”

Rey nodded and sat down. “I should turn that off,” she said, gesturing to the television, which was now playing what seemed like an endless series of infomercials.

“Could you leave it on?” Finn said.

Rey nodded and leaned into the arm of the sofa. “It’s hardly the worst thing I’ve watched. At least these things seem useful.”

When Rey next woke up, the TV was off and sunlight was streaming into the flat. Finn was staring at his communicator but not actually doing anything with it. The screen was blank.

“Did you sleep again?” Rey asked.

“Not really,” Finn said. “It’s fine, though. Caffeine exists. Spaceport?”

“Let me change,” Rey said, and re-emerged in what looked like the same white robe. Maybe it was the same.

They took a bus to Finn’s hotel to collect his luggage before proceeding to the spaceport. Despite the overall business on the bus and the bright midday light, he found himself struggling to keep his eyes open.

“Finn,” Rey said.

“What?” Finn said, suddenly jolting his head up.

“We’re at our stop,” Rey said.

Finn forced himself to become slightly more awake and stumbled onto the pavement in the bus loop outside the spaceport. “I need to get to Zone 11, segment 3F.” He counted himself lucky for actually finding it; the spaceport was loud, full of people, and ever-so-slightly mazelike. Information boards on every wall seemed to scream out things that he didn’t need to know. By the time he reached his ship, he was glad for its relatively quiet interior. He put his face into his hands. “Shit. I don’t know if I can actually fly this today.”

“Does it need to be today?” Rey asked.

Finn nodded. “I went through all this garbage last night getting the hotel refunded and the flight opening rescheduled and I called Poe and said I was coming back. I’ve had worse flights,” he said, deflecting Rey’s look of concern.

“I could fly there,” Rey offered.

“Nah,” Finn said, “you haven’t flown this ship before. Right?”

“I’ve flown one that was effectively the same control scheme,” Rey said. “I ‘learned’ how to pilot things after I realised that it was fun, I was good at it, and I wanted to stop having to argue with officers to let me take a vehicle. Turns out I’m a natural,” she said, rolling her eyes. “It’s like they forgot I flew the Falcon.”

“How many times have you made that rant in your head?”

Rey glowered briefly. “Maybe... a lot.”

“Anyway, the flight window starts pretty soon,” Finn said. “The coordinates are programmed in. If you’re definitely serious about this.”

“I’ll run the system checks. You strap yourself in,” Rey said. The engine hummed to life and lights all around the cockpit started to flicker on. “Everything seems fine,” she said, a few minutes later. “Ready to go?”

“Ready.”

The exit from the atmosphere was bumpy, but Rey kicked the engine into hyperspeed as soon as it was safe to do so. The flight was only a few hours, and they materialised about twenty minutes out from the station’s dock. Poe greeted them once they’d made it through the airlock, happy but perplexed.

“Rey, what are you doing here?” he asked. Before either of them could say anything in response, he hastily added “I don’t mean it’s a bad thing that you’re here, I’m just... why  _ are _ you here?”

“I couldn’t fly the ship back,” Finn admitted. He felt his hands shaking and tried to force them to still.

Poe furrowed his brow. “I’m not sure I understand what you mean? How did that happen?”

Finn averted his eyes. “I’m just not feeling alright. I haven’t felt alright in a long time.”

Poe took a deep breath and turned his attention to Rey. “Rey, I know you didn’t want to come back, so why are you personally here? I’d say I didn’t mean to be too direct, but I  _ do _ want to be direct, so—this suggests to me that you came here out of guilt. What did you  _ do?” _

Rey took a moment to answer. “I’m not sure. I said that—”

“Rey accused me of always trying to sacrifice myself,” Finn near-shouted. “I didn’t mean to say that so loudly,” he said, more quietly, “but that’s not the problem, the problem is that she’s  _ right.” _

Poe stepped forward and brought Finn into his arms. “It’s fine. I mean, it’s not fine, but we can talk about it. You can take a break.”

Finn shook his head. “I couldn’t handle a single day of  _ taking a break.” _

“A day at a time, then,” Poe said. “Do you really want to go out tomorrow?”

“I don’t know what else I’m going to do,” Finn said, ending the embrace and stepping backwards.

Poe nodded. “I would have said this as your friend but as your boyfriend I don’t want you to go into the field until you’ve talked to someone else about this. I know I can’t stop you, but I  _ can _ ask, right?”

“I will try,” Finn said, and looked to where Rey was standing. She wasn’t there. He checked his communicator.  _ I’m on the deck. I didn’t want you to feel like I was watching you. _

“If you want, I can talk to your commander. I’ll tell her to leave you alone for a bit,” Poe said.

“I can’t do that. If they need me, they need me.” He felt a rush of guilt at even considering it.

“They need you to be alright in the future.”

“You could have lost me at any point,” Finn said quietly, “what makes now different?”

“Not like that. I don’t want to lose you because you wanted to lose  _ yourself,” _ Poe managed, beginning to choke up. 

“I’m obviously not that good at the sacrifice part. Something must want me around, because I’m still here,” Finn said, forcing a smile.

“You know what? I’m going to make sure I’m free for the next week and damn if anyone tries to stop me. I’m going to make sure you’re alright,” Poe said.

“I can’t take another person out of duty.”

“Shut up and let someone help you instead of trying to help someone else for a change,” Poe said, “okay, that was harsh, but come on.”

“I can’t, Poe.”

“Let’s say I flew out somewhere tomorrow, even somewhere peaceful. How effective do you think  _ I _ would be?”

Finn hugged Poe. “I’ll do this, for a week, for you. I don’t know what else I can promise.”

“Then let’s work with that. I just want you to be okay,” Poe said.

Finn frowned. “I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

“Would you settle for a little bit better?”

“Sounds a bit more probable,” Finn said. “I can do that. I think it could happen.”

Poe found Rey later, where she’d said she’d be, on the deck. The vast windows into space had long stopped being scenic for him, but he supposed Rey had been planetside for a long time. He’d washed his face in an attempt to cover for any crying that definitely hadn’t been happening. Not that he was sure it was worth trying to lie to Rey. To her credit, she didn’t mention it.

“Thank you for bringing Finn back,” he said.

“It’s no problem. You would have done the same for me, and so would he,” Rey replied.

“He told me I could talk to you about what happened,” Poe said, “so I thought that I would. How did he...  _ get _ like this? Do you know?”

“Finn wanted me to come back. I said I was taking a break. He said something to the end of ‘the fight isn’t over’, and that I should be there as well. So I asked him why, if he had to be there all the time, he kept trying to sacrifice himself,” she said, then paused. “In hindsight, he was acting really weird all day before that, too, but I thought it was just the setting we were in.”

“Part of me wishes that you hadn’t asked that, but at least... now we know,” Poe said.

Rey nodded. “Is Finn angry with me?”

“Not that I know of. I think he’s just tired. Are you sticking around?”

“Long enough to say goodbye,” Rey said. “At least.”

“Not any longer?” Poe half-joked.

Rey grimaced. “Now that I’m here, it’s tempting, but I have to go back.”

“Well, I’ll see you before you leave, and I’ll make sure to see you after that,” Poe said. “I’ll start sending you mission descriptions. Most of them are rebuilding work, now. You don’t know what will catch your interest.”

“I’ll let you know,” Rey said. “I can’t get a transport here within three days, so you have time to get to me.”

Poe grinned. “I will. Mark my words.”

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is a treat - I forgot to sign up to Chocolate Box this year but I still wanted to write something for it!


End file.
